What’s The Point of Dating?

Join Tamara and Sheena as they talk about What’s The Point of Dating in this episode of Les Talk About It.

Les Talk About It Episode: 1 of 12 of the Dating Season

Listen here:

In this episode: What is the point of dating?

• Finding a relationship
• Dating to have sex
• Dating to find yourself
• Dating today vs courtship
• Sharing experiences
• Being upfront with whoever you are dating
• Shifting your mindset to make the most of dating

Les Talk About It Series: Dating

Dating is not just a fun exploration of yourself and your partner but it is an important step in your life. In this series we break down lesbian dating and talk about it.

About The Hosts

Sheena comes from a media background and in 2014 she started The Lesbian Review, a website dedicated to reviewing the best lesbian books and movies. In 2016 A podcast channel seemed like a natural progression and so she started The Lesbian Talk Show. 

Sheena discovered lesbian fiction in her late teens and it helped her with her coming out process, something for which she will always be grateful. 

Tamara is a marketing professional and has branched out into design and photography. Her natural love for research and learning meant that she was the perfect podcast partner when Sheena wanted to start Les Talk About It. (Well, that and the fact that Tamara is married to Sheena.) 

Transcript for Today’s Show

Please note this transcript has not been edited and is automatically generated meaning certain words will be incorrect.

welcome today’s talk about it I’m Sheena and down tomorrow and today we’re talking about what’s the point of dating this is the first episode in our dating season and that exciting tomorrow we’re talking about dating I know it’s like you know such a throwback to be fair we go on date nights at least once a week we do and we actually do do that and you know it’s something that does really help us stay connected in that sort of way but we’ve done a lot of episodes about relationships with an entire season on it and we were thinking about it like there is extra step that comes before the relationship and while a lot of people struggle with relationships people struggle with the dating side too having said that I’m trying very hard not to make this as serious the season as the relationship one was because that was a very like cerebral season so this one’s a little bit more fun hopefully and today we’re starting out right at the beginning why actually do dating what’s the point and we’re looking at it from a lesbian perspective always I was doing some research and by that I mean reading articles by people who profess to be experts in this field and one of the big things that sort of came across was dating is a time when you exploring not just potential relationship but yourself as well mm-hmm dating is a time when you’re discovering what you like what you don’t like what you’re looking for and just kind of enjoying yourself well I think dating is very much like that but I mean you know I think there are a couple of different things with dating so what is the point like I think one of the one point can be that you’re trying to find the relationship right I think another point can be that you’re just dating to have sex and that’s completely fine as well and I think you can also be dating so that you can find yourself so you know I think you know it shouldn’t always just look at dating with the results of a relationship being the end goal I think there are many goals that dating can accomplish and it’s important to keep that in mind so you know if you’re going on date after date after date and you still are not in a sticky relationship maybe that’s not the point maybe there’s another point to it I agree with that but let’s break it down a little more so you were saying that dating is sometimes about just sex mm-hmm I mean you’re talking here about like going on a date you know having some fun and then coming back and having some nookie right right as opposed to dating is in I’m going on multiple dates with the same person necessarily with the aim of a relationship at the end of it exactly and the thing is like you’re so conditioned to thinking that dating is the same as courtship and I think it’s evolved into its own thing so you know I was looking up dating and exactly what the history of dating and dating is actually relatively new it’s not a thing that you know has been going on for eons because you know initially marriage was pretty much a business transaction you didn’t have the luxury of dating you didn’t have luxury of really choosing and woman had no choice really at all it’s something quite new that come with emancipation of woman once people could start exploring being with other people instead of just being told this was he going to marry you know he had courtship where you would taste out being with this person and that lasted for a really long time but now that evolved into I think what the modern concept of dating is and that’s no longer just I’m going to be with this person to see if it all work in a relationship I think there’s other things that you can do so you know it can be with the aim of trying to find your long a partner whether it’s a long-term partner or a shorter term partner it can also be you know I’m going on a date it’s because I really need to get an itch scratched or it could be you know I’m trying to discover more about myself what do I like what do I want what do I enjoy and you know I think that’s cool too I think one of the other things about getting to know yourself better and and the sort of fun part of dating is that you get to experience things that you hadn’t even thought of before when you and I were dating I took you to the kinds of restaurants that I liked to go to and you hadn’t necessarily been to those and you introduced me to home-cooked Portuguese food which I had never experienced before and so there’s this experience shearing which really broadens your horizons and it’s just a really fun part of dating no it is that falls into that sort of third category where there is self growth in it but at the same time if you’re going into the first category there’s also shared experiences and building that connection from you know sharing things with each other or learning new things I mean we went sand boarding together for the first time for both of us and that was a date and that’s you know was a new experience for both of us so it’s something that we got to share experience think about team building it’s workplaces you know you get to experience usually things which are new for most people and you do it together and from that you share a bond you build rapport or whatever it’s the same thing but on a more personal basis that’s true and in fact it’s something you and I still love to do is to go out and do new things together to experience it for the first time together we also into paragliding yeah which was this most and it was such a disappointment that like I really thought that there would be a luck after all an adrenaline rush and when you’re standing at the top of the cliff there is but once you’re off the cliff there isn’t yeah it’s like a gentle swing that’s very weird it really is strange but when we did the tree canopy zipline there too had a lot of adrenaline and they you look much more harnessed in so but I mean those were all amazing experiences and they helped to build our relationship but we also learned things about ourselves in like you know I’m too short to reach the zipline [Laughter] actually I learned some stuff about YouTube when we were doing that sort of thing and you learn stuff I think about your your partner the person you’re dating that you wouldn’t learn in other circumstances I learned that you’re quite a feisty go-getter who’s up for an adventure and that’s amazing so you know what is the point of dating the point of dating is to get to know the person that you dating better – well I suppose it’s like what you said I mean are you dating – for looking for a relationship or are you dating because it’s something to do or are you dating because you don’t want to be alone well I think you know it can be summed up that dating is about exploration and it’s exploration of different things but I think in the end exploration right yeah I mean I think that’s pretty fair yeah and I think it’s important for people who are in the dating phase of their life to keep that in mind and to treat it not too seriously and to have fun I agree with that I also think that whatever it is that you want to get out of dating you need to kind of be upfront with whoever you dating because if somebody is looking for a long-term relationship and you just stay for the nookie this is a problem gonna develop yeah I think you’re a hundred percent right I mean when I was like I’m doing a little bit of research for this topic like so many people like what’s the point of dating so many marriages fail or what so the point of dating relationships are lost that’s where so many people are at and the thing is I think it’s a mindset shift the problem is that so many people have different things about what they’re speaking from dating and especially if you using dating apps like tinder or Bumble or whatever like you know some of them have a reputation for being more hookup EPs we others have a reputation for being dating apps but I think you know even on those platforms you’ll have people looking for different things so I think it’s important – if you’re using something like that in your profile state what you want and it doesn’t mean that that’s the only thing you want but if your primary motivation for being on a dating app is to get into a relationship then state that upfront and hopefully you won’t end up with so many one-night stand looking people whereas you know if you are looking much more for why not stand don’t look for relationship because you’re probably not gonna end up having sex on those dates anyway because that’s not where those people are another thing that occurs to me while we’re talking about the subject is be open to things that you didn’t think you liked or we’re looking for that kind of thing if people surprised you a hundred percent yes so many people go in and they’re like okay I went to person who has this kind of job and drives this kind of car and like has a dog that’s exactly this but if you go in with an open mind and you go with like you know I’m here to experience stuff I’m here to grow my point of view I’m here to just enjoy myself while I’m having fun you can be pleasantly surprised and finds somebody attractive you didn’t think in a million years you’d find attractive like 100 percent I was talking with a colleague at work the other day and they’re talking about their cousin who by if you had to not read her CV you would think you know she was the biggest catch ever you know she’s successful she’s younger she’s pretty but she just can’t hold down a relationship and we were talking and and I figured out why that’s because she’s got this laundry list of what this person needs to be so she’s cutting our people before they even had a chance for her to get to know them so you know oh your hair is not the right shade of brown I’m sorry I can’t date you oh you and you go to jump two times a week instead of four sorry can date you people aren’t made for you to date you’re never going to be able to go on to some sort of shop and place your little order and the uber delivery who comes and you’ve set such a date right there for you to match all your things it doesn’t work like that you’re not going to be someone’s price catch either everyone has to give well take for example is very gorgeous woman I knew back in the day who was hatred sexual as far as she knew if she wasn’t open to dating me we wouldn’t be sitting here making a podcast today no it’s true I mean I did not know that I was integrals it’s not something that I would have thought of and in fact when we were dating quite no we were dating which makes us super qualified for this podcast series no I mean I think the thing is we’ve got to explore and I mean you know we got to explore in a way which was there were no expectations which was amazing because we got to both of us like because I was still kind of coming out of the closet at that point so it was I think exactly what we both needed no completely and it’s completely weird and completely outside of the norm in terms of dating but it worked and I think that’s important I think people need to understand that that okay you don’t have to follow a gate of dating and dating sort of dating guideline you know dating can be whatever you wanted to be it doesn’t have to include a movie it doesn’t have to include you don’t have to pay they don’t have to pay you don’t have to pay harp sees you know there’s a lot of things that dating can be and putting stress and pressure on yourself for it to be booked perfect or movie perfect it’s silly enjoy thank you for being an awesome person and supporting to the channel that brings you all the podcasts you want to hear you’re listening to talks find more podcasts on the lesbian talk show com I think you nailed it they’re like don’t don’t do that to yourself don’t do that to your partner or your potential partner but at the same time I also want to say it’s okay to have a certain level of standards I frequently sure would not date a woman today if you know you and I were not together today being where I am in my space I wouldn’t date a woman who was in the closets it would be very hard for me to do that no completely look I think but I mean I think everyone has to have standards you have to know like I am NOT going to go out with someone who’s in the closet because I’m past it and I’m at a different point in my life and that’s okay it can also be okay to say I am NOT going to date someone who is aggressive because I can’t cope with that that’s okay you can even say oh hey I’m not going to date someone who likes to drive fast cause because fast cars make me nervous you know whatever parameter you put in place that’s fine but the thing is to not be too judgmental when it comes to the human they don’t have to take all the boxes they just have to take some boxes and you’ll find that they’ll probably take other boxes which you don’t even think all there are even more important such as you know your personal values they probably share the same type of boundaries they’ll probably have your same quirky sense of humor you know that kind of a thing yeah you’re right it’s it’s kind of like it’s okay to have boundaries with no self key boundaries yes so it’s okay to have self key boundaries but it’s it’s not okay to impose sort of artificial boundaries on and expectations yeah so I mean like you know if someone’s teeth are slightly crooked don’t judge them I mean you know like that’s not worth not being in a relationship about but also use dating as a way to explore yourself and your own inner world because talking to somebody on that intimate level can give you a different perspective about yourself and where you’re at it’s interesting and totally worth doing it is you’re the point of dating do it because it’s good for you okay I like this so we’re gonna move on from here and we can actually cover such a range of dating related topics to the point where I feel comfortable calling the seasoned dating a woman a guide for women which I feel quite chuffed about because you got the first woman which is singular and in the final woman which is plural and I don’t know I tickles me next episode we talk about finding someone today how do you go about it and what should you be looking at for I’m excited about that so you know get your binoculars on while we go and you know search for the perfect dates in the jungle of our lives you feel pretty to go over there wife I’m Sheena and I’m Tamera and you’ve been listening to let’s talk about it if you enjoy this show then please like it on Apple podcasts because then people find us and they all can hear our awesomeness and it’s just great fun and please share your podcast with your friends your family and people you love people you hate anyone really we’ll take it all let us know on our social media about what you think the point of dating is yes and point is you have about dating okay that’s all for this week bye